The most obvious scenario in which you hate and love a person at the same time is one in which your love is not reciprocated. Thats comes to another issue I have with our relationship while l every time I need him to be there for me emotionally he manages to bail on me or argue with me because I come off as being mad to him. First, I congratulate you on your self-awareness. I came back home, and we kind of worked things out. I, well I lived in a warped sense of reality where I somehow believed how I was as a person was normal and ok. That I did love him. How can someone hes only known for 4mths make him fall in love with her and just forget everything that we had together. I know I did not handle it right myself. He has said these things before but admitted he didnt mean them. I react with frustration and pain and tell her she is confused via text and never to contact me again. what can i do to fix this before its too late!? While this form of profession has undeniably beautiful payouts (not monetarily ;D) it often plagues me with a self critical view that nothing I make is quite good enough. It sounds to me like you are afraid of being abandoned. And i tried to do so physically. Can a past abuser change. If she doesnt even understand herself and you always had to persuade her of things, then maybe that is the problem. And am trying to get him to seek help. A this moment I am staying at my friends place for about month as my ex had said that she wants to be friends and have a break. He didnt tell me about this girl. It is hard to do but move on, take the pain and be patient. Generally in cases like this BOTH people have something to learn about life. How do I get him to see that we are repairable? When you write down how it truly was, the process will liberate you to move on. Thank u for the advice . I was like I need to see the progress since I paid for repairs and fixing. Hate can serve to preserve the closeness of a relationship. Thats what he keeps telling me this time is forto work on ourselves. I want to change the person I am not because I want to go back with her, but because I really need to change and Im hoping that with those changes she can learn to trust me. Two weeks of miscommunication led to him pleading to take him back he told me that he wants me for the rest of his life and that he wants to marry me, something he had never told me. It has to be about you, not him/her, this time around. Those People Next Door By Kia Abdullah. I drove her to all her appointments, paid for her lawyers, took her to and from work. All the research bears me out. I was, for the last few months selfish and stuck in my own problems. Mim close to his mother as I am his circle of friends who will not have anything to do with the old girlfriend as she has screwed them to. I read messages that I felt were inappropriate, and confronted her about them. I believe he was married to his expo for about six years. Hi CCO Our relationship have always been, very mellow, we give each other our freedom and space. What I need is for my husband to make the necessary changes and prove he means them rather than begging and pleading with me for me to love him. He can do far better than me. What is good about your bf? I did a lot for her that I cant even mention. always remember, for those out there who are in relationships that are struggling, or are working things out, make sure before you say something, you think before you speak, install a filter between your lips and your tongue so to speak, because if you choose to say something hurtful, you can never take it back and the damage caused by what you assume is just a simple word is far more destructive and painful long term. Furthermore, HE has some obligations to YOU, morally if not legally, since you have been supporting him. But I am focusing on you because you are the one that asked. Depression and anxiety has deformed him to a stranger. The insular does not determine whether the emotion is positive or negative. eg, saving $ for the future if he didnt before. My h has actually done a couple sweet things but I do not trust. Why? You'll even realize one day that there's a love out there stronger than what you're feeling now. idk . which is enough. Hes always liked very big busty women. He is a wonderful consious man and very independent. Even though every relationship is different, it's about being able to look at it and feel something other than loss. I think the whole adventurous stuff will just have to wait until my medical problems clear up. Told him to change for himself, else its not sustainable.and I needed to see him take actions that will guarantee it never happens again. bungalowstreet. Something about his confidence was a compete turn on for me. Counseling for the past pain and how you handle it would be very good. I loved her. Perhaps he was always an unhappy person? what will him interested on me again ?what kind of conversation i should have with him over the phone . He hasnt. Therapy helps and , as I said earlier, I recommend it. but the other person continued to try to contact me. I have struggled to have an emotional connection with him for a long time, possibly years. And i really did appreciate everything he did for me and my 3 Beautiful kids. Furthermore, you have not gotten to the root of her behavior or your own. Robert, there are two missing pieces here: First of all, you have a therapist and Im wondering what he/she is saying. Id appreciate that. I made my mistake but I really do love him and want to be forever! Id get so mad because shed play games with me and Id lose my head. I dated this man with the intent of moving on because my partner, then friend, rejected me and told me to move on because he didnt share the same sentiments. So they take what is in the moment rather than count on something long term. i just said all the bad words coz i felt negelected and i wanted him to know how i feel but eneded up abusing him. She also said that she has been feeling like this for a while but like I describe above showed no signs (that I picked up on). We had been together 9 months and things werent always perfect but I was so in love with him. He immediately broke down crying, pleading, etc. Research also shows that marriages that are strained by the behavior of vets (anger bursts, moodiness, etc) are greatly helped by the mindfulness meditation. Neural Correlates of Hate, PLoS ONE 3: e3556. What do I do? I believe he was married to his expo for about six years. Im willing to do whatever it takes to gain back her trust and respect. Hey Marshall, I think you sound like a man who is truly dedicated to his wife. He was very emotionally and verbally abusive for a long time. You feel anger toward the person who hurt you as well as on yourself for letting them do this to you. I think apart of.me was scared that I would move in with my child and he would eventually break up with me and I dont think I could bare that. He also must feel unloved at the bottom of it all and it has nothing to do with you. We talked a lot over that night and the next day and we finally agreed to try and not let what happened be a setback. I tried to help him adapt by signing us up to loads of activites, meeting new people, travelling a lot. He tends to not see his fault in things and blames me for our issues. I never would have gotten to this point in my marriage without this revelation, thank you. N i told him if he cant open up its over n he said olewell thats something that i cant do. I think its about abuse willful, intentional abuse (which you refer to as betrayal), and not ever making amends for it which is the essential cause of the suffering. Dr. D, I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and 2 months. If I hurt him, Im sure my behavior could lead to hurting friends and family if I dont change for the better. Often we go into a relationship looking for all the validation, nurturing, warmth and support that parents didnt give us. It is not a great idea to say I have used drugs for the last time UNLESS you are getting INTENSIVE support. His/her awakening to the fact that you have been deeply wounded in the relationship, and that you need to heal, will dawn on him/her slowly. Hi Someone, He started to believe his only chance was going to France. Turned out to be her leaving me and going to another guy 2 weeks later. After talking with her and picking away to try to understand what is bothering her she has told me that she does not love me intimately anymore but she loves me as the son of our Father. Plus, I just moved out the house and he begged me not to but I had to for me. The third time we broke up I called him to see how serious he was about me and he said that he hadnt got over his issues and he placed a greater importance to school. I dont know what to do here. Guilt is also a destructive emotion. Even though we had a lot of happy times after that, we started arguing about a lot of things, the arguments getting pettier as the relationship started to end. I know I love her with every ounce of my being, but throughout the relationship, I managed to abuse her physically and mentally. The key word here is manipulation. Your bf is manipulating you big time. When your ex- sees you as completely changed and she, too, is stronger and healed, then there are possibilities. Please help. You made my night truly, I dont even know how I came across this lolbut im here and im reading this thread and I want you to know that you are so wonderfully kind. And I still didnt tell him the complete truth. I try at times msg him but no avail till a year later , i msg him , he finally reply. I was caught looking through his moms medicine. From that day forward I changed everything in the way that I support her financially and emotionally. any words of encouragement or suggestions on my post from June 18? He claims until this day that she is just a friend who was there to visit his mother because she took care of her as child. We were in the same house together for most of this time and slowly it turned into taking a break rather than breaking up. We click off very well and slowly feelings develop. Someone looking at our life from the outside would think we have it all; a beautiful family, two successful careers, a nice home and great friends. saying it was nothing, they meant nothing, but this ripped my heart out. A therapist sees you with more objective eyes than you see yourselves. You didnt respond but thats ok, thats not why Im writing. One thing she did mention was that she has been having panic attacks one that bad she had to get a work friend to drive her home. The problem to me seems like you cant separate in your mind the good man from the bad things he is doing. A week ago we had a fight that turned really messy resulting in him breaking up with me. Its almost like Im forcing myself to for him.. And it sucks cause I know he deserves better, But I dont want to loose my family cause my kids love us together and I know how a divorce can ruin everything I just dont know what to do. I have been with my bf for 3 years and next week is our engagement, however, its been week since he told me that he does not have any feelings for me. Marriage should not be taken lightly. He loves me very much i know. He said he sits in therapy and where before he would have cried, he just feels nothing. I checked over mine, marking whos numbers Id called & turned to his; working back from the previous month. We were friends in high school and are both 45. So this is what I get out of your story. I was honestly in a bad place in my life.. He loved me more than anything. I saw mine, even if I saw it too late. Yet, of course, there is an equal fear of being alone, so the couple sets up rules just like the one you and your hubby seem to have: dont leave, but dont be too close either. One day my boyfriend checked my phone and caught me I dont blame him for getting mad. Then, I basically told him that I was fed up him, were broken up, and that hes free to go do whatever he wants, and Ill do the same. He is not a problem solver. Abuse is traumatic. The one person with whom it works proves to you, in the course of being together, that he or she really gets who you are. I dont know what to do possibly lose someone who could be great or lose the person Ive loved for years That I dont trust because of everything that happened. Good luck! Think about the people you deal with and how straight w them you are. ( yes were young) we got into a argument while I wasnt there because I felt like something was off, like something wasnt right, and I always asked him are you doing anything your not suppose to be doing. I HAVE disrespected him, and isolated myself from him because I KNEW he was doing something, with someone on the side. I dont want to keep hurting him. And we became friends again. and i cheated on her. Itll take a lot of work to repair the damage and build trust back to almost where it was. And I wont get the chance to show him that I can and will make the changes I need to be a better person, regardless of what happens with us. She said she still loves me but does not want anything to do with me anymore. You have a lot of love in her heart. And you should not have gone there, either. I dont want to lose him. He did little stuff like drew roses cut them out and tied a ribbon to send me for v day. You ask what to do. If that wouldve been me his jealous self would have left me. Meanwhile we had appointment to fix things and shopping on Friday last week. Im giving up on trying!? i was exhausted by the fact that nothing seemed to change no matter how much i tried and i had so much on my plate, i was emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. Hi Dr Deb. We were both becoming distant and have both attempted to break up with each other but could not as we both still truly care for each other. We fell in love and she broke from those two relationships, but I think I must have harbored resentment from that dificult transition that took a year, because our relationship has been stressed. I did not like the sound of that. However, since this incident, I e noticed him drinking more, either just with friends or with me in a group. Now its been a few weeks later and he says that hes back to normal, and although hes still stressed he loves me more than he used to. I am so upset and I dont even know what can I do. I am also thinking that he and his parents are the only people who gave you love and care. Please help me to carry on and get through this. We both love each other very much but she has told me that she has been holding back her feelings to spare me and now she feels that she has neglected to take care if her own feelings. I dont need you to tell us what you did to him. She was upset of my rejection but I thought about and said yes. I told him that Im not asking for him to forgive me but to think about the good qualities I have and put a little hope in that part of me. Criticism? hie am a 25 years old woman I have been in a relationship with a man for 30months. If the person youre married to is not able to be intimate, its time for counseling, IMO. She would tell people that I would always only be the stupid girlfriend nothing more because she would be the on,y wife he would ever have. I had a girlfriend the first time I met her and the relationship with my then-girfriend wasnt going anywhere. why didnt you kick him out Meg? Just yesterday he told me he doesnt want to be in a relationship anymore. You should always dress your best when you are going on a first date. I have tried to be the strong person in our marriage, I finally had decided that his jealousy and distrust in me has come to an end. The fact that he loves but doesnt like you is what is clueing me in that there is something on your part that you need to look at. Good luck. He could sleep with all the women he wants as he probably is doing right now but Ill love him still. We fell in love and were happy. From January 2014 we didnt see each other but we talked seldomly on the phone up until September 2014. I came home from work and he told me how I made him feel ugly and unwanted. If you find yourself dwelling on them, try to relax, breathe, and clear your mind. First of all, I respect you for recognizing that you mistreated your girlfriend. I gave her the choice between counseling or divorce. He seems to be in selfish state of mind and thats okay, but dont call me friend or tell others that you still want to marry me and dont even act like it. She said she cried most of the day before saying I cant believe we at this point. The emotional connection I had with him is gone. Like this that I dont know what to do. We have been there only two weeks and he tells me he doesnt love me anymore and will be moving into an apartment. Yesterday, we had a falling out but we resolved things at which time she asked what time was the wedding. I too loved him very much. He was truly upset he had hurt me and worried that this might ruin us. 10: Go to the library for some quiet time together At the time i told him and we were arguing he would not let me talk without shooting down everything i said and still accused me of cheating. However, you shouldn't just call it quits without giving your husband a second chance. I asked him what I could do to make up for it and he said figure it out. We talked about it a little and he just keeps telling me to figure it out. But we still talk on and off and she still loves me but doesnt want to leave the guy shes with. But I love my gf and she left me and she says she cant trust me anymore but that she still loves me. Research shows that mindfulness meditation is better than medication (long term) for trauma such as PTSD. Please consider personal therapy with a trauma specialist. https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html. Things were not good at home, and Ive always believed that he rescued me. Hello!! If you only knew how much this man loved me. I felt anger. Thats one of the most difficult parts x. I feel like I can forgive him for what he did with the girl because i know i was distant and ignored him emotionally. I guess thats just another lie too. My husband and I married very young, he was immature and after the birth of my son I was still over weight and exhausted and didnt take care of myself. I didnt even think you cheated on him. 2. I have someone that I love her with whole my heart and she is into drug. He walked me out and stole a kiss on my cheek. But, when he would get angry he blacks out and get verbally abusive. Q: Is he a loving and devoted father to the kids? I even told her that I felt like the boy who cried wolf. So we have a few more arguments, and it came out that she has been feeling like this for years. I almost never have any sleep. Hi Kim, He also said that he realized late in 2013 that this was a problem but that he didnt know how to tell me. You might be depressed too. You guys were fooling around and having fun. I kept saying I would but I just couldnt it didnt feel right it was like I needed him to prove he loved me and wouldnt leave but at the time I didnt realize that and even if I did I wouldnt be able to tell him that. We had a great year in 2016 with lots of great memories. He was never ready for me to give up the apartment I had moved into when we broke up but by June I was pretty much living there again. Well time wanton and his ex became a thorn in my side along with his crazy mom. We never have. When you both argue, it would be intense and can lead to name-calling and threats of breaking up. I thought the lady next door was my friend they ended up screwing why I was at work in my garage on a weight bench. I want her to know I am a new person but she has a wall up around her and wont let me in, I accept it was all my fault and will do anything to repair the damage if I can but I am fighting a losing battle. He came home after our son was born. Since the problem is not one girl in particular. I loved him with everything I had and would do anything for him. If the problem was your lying, then the question is: why did you feel a need to lie? Please help me with my post from sept 15th number 176. You're too late! A friend Id told about the situation advised me to block him completely on all platforms. I have been working on this with daily affirmations, meditation and self-soul care. And know, there is a time to speak and a time to stay silent. he is not answering my calls and texsts. Weve had a wonderdul 7yr marriage, both our second time around. And sexual encounter just happened. So I gave her money every week for 2 yrs straight. Then ask him how you can make it up to him. Im scared to be alone. And then, for whatever reason, we seemed to go back to the normalcy of our relationship while still going to therapy. I truly hurt my boyfriend by texting and flirting continually and lying covering it up and deleting messages.I told him I was sorry I needed outside validation to feel good about myself but Im working on doing better because I dont want to hurt him and I truly love him and could have a great future together.i need help .Im going in circles,this pain Im feeling now ,is how I know he felt everytime I lied .I cant take it back but Im willing to do the work because hes worth it. He said he wasnt sure. It reminds you that she is needy; she doesnt have her act together: She is not strong enough to stand on her ow in this world, both economically and emotionally. i love him should i just keep proving myself to him or just accept its over? She finally left me on September 5th. I would feel guilty every time I was talking about my interests because I knew he wasnt as in to them as I was, and I was probably boring him. Until this incident. he asked me to and i said you have to adjust your ways and be more committed to us (me and the baby) and stop putting other people before us including your mother. But not a psychodynamic type as that therapy is a long-term deal. I described another guy as beautiful and he got jealous and felt betrayed. I have been with out my youngest daughter for 4 years and now my husband say he doesnt love me anymore He felt out of love with me , but is hard for me to accept that i can imagine the life with out them , I feel angry use and betrayed by him but i love him. Hate wins when you choose not to make things. Just click my name at the top of this article and it takes you to my page on Good Therapy. He promised to quit, did, then started again. I see my fault as well as I am a passionate person who tends to dramatize sometimes and he always wanted me to listen more to what he is saying. 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